GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
1. No matter how hard you try, you can’t baptize cats.
2. When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don’t let her brush your hair.
3. If your sister hits you, don’t hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4. Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5. You can’t trust dogs to watch your food.
6. Don’t sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7. Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8. You can’t hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9. Don’t wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don’t hurt.
3) Families are like fudge..mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today’s mighty oak is just yesterday’s nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It’s like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
4) You’re getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It’s frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it’s a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don’t believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.
At age 4 success is . . . not piddling in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 17 success is . having a drivers license.
At age 35 success is . . having money.
At age 50 success is . . having money.
At age 70 success is . . having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . not piddling in your pants.
Health Tip for Seniors:
If you can’t afford a doctor, go to the airport. You’ll get a free x-ray, body examine, and if you give the discount phrase ‘Al-Qaeda’, you’ll get a free colonoscopy.
Some Old Geezer jokes
A reporter was interviewing a 104 year-old woman: “And what do you think is
the best thing about being 104?” the reporter asked.
She simply replied, “No peer pressure.”
An accident really uncanny,
Befell an unfortunate granny.
She sat down in a chair
While her false teeth were there,
And bit herself right in the fanny!
The Senate is investigating deceptive sweepstakes practices. These companies
target the elderly and make them think they will receive a bunch of money,
but in reality they never see any of it.
The most common of these scams is called Social Security.
Three ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One said,
“Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand, while
standing in front of the refrigerator, and I can’t remember whether I need
to put it away, or start making a sandwich.”
The second lady chimed in with, “Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing
of the stairs and can’t remember whether I was on my way up or on my way
The third one responded, ” Well, ladies, I’m glad I don’t have that problem.
Knock on wood,” as she rapped her knuckles on the table, and then said,
“That must be the door, I’ll get it!”
Famous quotes about aging:
- “He is alive, but only in the sense that he can’t be legally buried.”
- “When I was a boy, the Dead Sea was only sick.” George Burns
- “I do wish I could tell you my age but it’s impossible. It keeps changing
all the time.” Greer Garson.
- “Another good thing about being poor is that when you are seventy your
children will not have declared you legally insane in order to gain control
of your estate.” Woody Allen
- “The secret of longevity is to keep breathing.” Sophie Tucker
- “At my age I do what Mark Twain did. I get my daily paper, look at the
obituaries page and if I’m not there I carry on as usual.” Patrick Moore.
- “At my age flowers scare me.” George Burns.
- “My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two
of them were just napping.” Rita Rudner
- “You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder
what else you could do while you’re down there.” George Burns.
- “I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my
nap.” Bob Hope
When you rest up, come back and leave a comment. Share some of your gracefully aging humor below.